Friendship is such a strange yet alluring concept.
Growing up I assumed that there was a single understanding of friendship, one that was quite definitive:
you have your “best friend” and then your “other friends.” You and your “other friends” vary in closeness and those “other friends” are separate from your “best friend” by arbitrary distinctions. Then, you have people who you’re not friends with but could very well be.
I presumed this mindset was simple but digging into the mind of my 12-year-old self, it’s become complex already.
As with many things in life, there isn’t just one rigid organizational structure or method of things. To add to that, relationships are ever-changing. So it’s increasingly harder to try to make sense of the friendships we have by categorizing them. Yet somehow we do it anyway… More on this later though.
Basically, my young mind would run under these three tiers; I thought everyone operated this way. Granted, some people still might and to each their own. But what I am trying to get at is that, when I was younger, I thought the motivation and strive behind cultivating friendships was to obtain a “best friend.” That seemed like the unspoken but understood goal, what everyone was looking for. I thought that if you found your best friend, you had made it and conquered the realm of friendships and friend-seeking. This effort wasn’t to undermine the relationships you had with your other friends, but best friends just seemed to have a different click, bond, and dynamic.
Best friends were the quintessential character trope growing up; those roles were a given in a plotline. Cue “True Friend” by Hannah Montana and roll the montage of good times shared by Lilly and Miley in that classic childhood show. It’s silly but I think that’s what I really believed as a kid. I thought that everyone had that quirky best friend who was also your other half; that if you didn’t share a lame yet elaborate “secret” handshake with someone, you hadn’t mastered the art of Friendship yet. You still had a ways to go. My coming-of-age self thought the pinnacle and sought pearl of all friendships were symbolized in best friend bracelets, constant sleepovers, hanging out every second of every day, and things of the sort. I sooo wanted that. Oh how my taste and palette of friendship has deepened and grown since my days of being brainwashed by Disney Channel.
I can’t lie. I spent so much of my childhood watching TV that the backbone of how I visualize friendship is influenced by how those shows so craftily curated and embellished the portrayal of life. But the past couple of years have really reshaped that understanding and the associations drawn in my mind when I recall friendship and my experience of it. My three years of college have been especially impactful, not only in how I continue to learn and understand what friendship means now but also in making sense of my friendships in the past and how friendships will continue to change.
Not all friends are “peas in a pod.”
I idolize having “the perfect friend group” sometimes. It seemed like growing up, everyone around me had somehow orchestrated their version of a modern-day Friends cast. I was, and still continue to be, pretty jealous of those who are able to maintain that. So many times have I tried and failed in make shifting my own burrito-esque group: where everyone is different but all perfectly fit together in a warm, wrapped up tortilla blanket of friendship. Cheesy, I know, but it’s undeniably delicious.
I’ve also idolized having “the perfect best friend.” Both of these things, I’ve found, can do so much harm. Unnecessary and unwarranted pressure gets placed on people, usually resulting in a lot of unmet expectations with an abundant lack of communication. It all comes from a difference in understanding and approach towards what friendship is and the aims that people try to “achieve” in it. After all, everyone is their own entity.
So what is it then?
I’ve offered so many comparisons, illustrations, and metaphors as to what friendship generally sums up to be yet none of it offers solace. A friend had once told me that some describe friendships as veggie chunks in a bowl of soup.
“Friendships happen by chance, like when a cube of carrot and a block of celery happen to bump into each other by the twirl of a spoon.”
Others have said that friendships are out of convenience. I guess whatever and however it may manifest for you, the makeup of it all is so interesting.
I think it’s the feeling of caring for someone and how that shapes out in friendships that show to be so unique and powerful. It’s the emotional and relational depth that the mind can’t conceive and that logic cannot process. To exert yourself and give time for family is not even innate sometimes. Yet to do so, maybe even more so, for people who aren’t even connected by DNA is all the more intriguing. What a gift it is that we are both emotional and intellectual beings–that even if I can’t make sense of it, it all comes together.
Friendships can be so unexpected and are gifts in all forms.
It is so interesting how people become such good friends, and so quickly, especially in college. We all, for the most part, enter into this new chapter unsure and uncertain of how we had made friends in the past. Prior to the start of college, we all recollect our friendships as having happened so naturally. To think that we have to start all over in forming new relationships, consciously this time, can be so daunting and draining.
And yet, before you know it, it happens! Granted, the time it takes for actual friendships to form varies from person to person, but still. You can’t deny that there comes a point when you start to drive on autopilot again right?
I remember how I felt even during the first two weeks of college, which actually felt like a year. I didn’t think I’d ever make genuine friends or draw meaningful connections with people beyond what could be shared from an introduction of what my name is, where I’m from, what I want to study, and what I like to do in my spare time. Three years later, I have somehow found myself surrounded and loved by some incredible people.
It’s just so fascinating how people become friends and what they become friends over: niche interests, general similarities, “good vibes.” Moreover, it’s fascinating that people love and care for others and want to continue to do so. How beautiful is it that people just enjoy parts of who you are and want to keep you around in their lives.
Another beauty of friendships is how much you learn about yourself, not only from investing in those relationships and the process of growing in friendship but also the ability to observe parts of yourself that you can only become aware of through other people.
To know others and to be known is such a treat.
Friendship and community. It’s what everyone needs and has to some degree. But that discrepancy of what you want and what you have can be so painful sometimes.
How great is the feeling when you confide in someone and they respond with something along the lines of “I know what you’re talking about,” “I’ve been through that before too,” or “Dude I know.” Maybe it’s not what they say but rather how they say it: facial expressions and body language can communicate more than words at times.
But what about those “can’t relate” moments?
Those disconnects, especially if pertaining to something so pivotal to who you are or what your friendship serves, can be so debilitating. Not only that, but friendships can also seem so transactional at times. It can be painful and somewhat embarrassing when you feel like you’ve placed more value into a friendship than the person whom you’ve shared your friendship with. At the end of it all then, what is to gain in comparison to what there is to lose? Is it then a matter of who gains the most? What selfish and toxic way does that play out in a friendship then?
The risks of friendships are masked.
Friendship rides on an unspoken agreement that, as of now, you want to share, invest, and walk alongside someone in life. Those are also true in marriage but at least with that, you know what you’re getting into haha.
We assume that friendships are somewhat guaranteed. Isn’t it so scary though that we can’t control how much someone truly cares for or wants to invest in us? How can you ensure and sustain a friendship beyond mere similar interests, personality traits, and fun times?
Do the friends you interact with change or stay the same based on where you’re located? Does your investment change? Do your needs change? Do your friends really know all parts of you? Who are your closest friends? Do you really need friends?
Mind, you are answering all of these questions from your own perspective. But it’s not just you that determines a friendship. Isn’t that kind of terrifying?
Why is it terrifying? Is it not because of our desire to have deep and constant relationships? At least I can say that that’s true for myself. The fact that there is this need is so interesting; it’s telling that we are relational beings with a longing to be satisfied.
Whether it was my relational privilege or immaturity as a kid, those forces have met their ends in keeping me from these growing realizations now.
With all those different motives and forces in existence, how do you pursue friendships? What is your posture?
My housemates and I stayed up talking one night about how we each approach meeting new people and how we prioritize some people in our lives, whether the reason being time, mental, or emotional space. Following that conversation, I’ve been so curious about the uniqueness of friendship and have wondered how other people go about the process of “categorizing” their friends.
You learn a lot about friendships in college. You learn how superficial some of your past friendships have been and may continue to be. You realize that there are and were certain friendships that you keep out of fear of being alone because some connection is better than none.
You learn how valuable and powerful real friendships can be. But most importantly you learn how to handle moments of disconnect, frustration, and pain when there are trials in friendships worth keeping.
Those TV shows growing up really didn’t do a fair job of demonstrating how to navigate these moments with friends. If it wasn’t obvious, hurt lasts for more than a 30-minute episode. Quite frankly, there will be experiences you have that even your most dearest friends can’t relate to. Friends won’t always know how to console you. Overall, there’s just a lot of life that can’t be moved past with a witty comment and the insertion of post-production, background laughter. Okay, I know. I’m done with the comparisons.
Shared experiences aren’t necessary in order to show love and care. The ability to be present, sit with, and mourn with those you hold close is too often dismissed and goes without recognition. As much as actions can speak beyond words in positive circumstances, the same is evident, if not more, in times when you “can’t relate.”
In some cases too, there are friends who will come and go.
They are the epitome of being at the “right place at the right time.” Learning to accept that is so freeing. There is something to learn in all relationships, whether they end or not. I can’t and won’t cover all my bases with this particular scenario, so I will have to leave this thought unfinished.
You never really know how life will play out. The friends who you’ve lost touch with, broken ties with, or what have you may cross paths with you again. But even if they don’t, it doesn’t make the time and effort you spent any less meaningful.
It’s important to realize that the friendship you need is not any less valuable or necessary for you. You just can’t make people serve that purpose.
So back to categorizing your friends, how do you do it?
Hopefully after everything I’ve mentioned, this question does not sound as insensitive as it may initially have. With our busy lives, how do we make sense of the friendships we have? Who do you turn to when life throws punches at you or when you are overjoyed and want to share the excitement? What metrics do you use to determine how “close” you are to someone? Do you have metrics?
I’m not saying that this is necessary. I’m just curious as to whether you consciously or subconsciously do this. To give you a better idea of what I’m talking about, I’ll give you insight on the four structures I’ve seen reoccur.
- Family First
- “I don’t confide in friends nor do I place an equivalent amount of importance on my friends as much as I do my family.”
2. Ladder structure with everyone starting at the same point
- People can move up the ladder but it gets harder to move up as you progress. This ensures full confidence and trust in those who are at the top, otherwise known as “the inner circle” or “my ride or dies.”
3. Ladder structure with everyone starting at different points based on first impression
- People can move either up or down the ladder
- Your “inner circle” can either be those at the top or exclusively your family
4. Concentric circle structure (otherwise known as “the donut”)
- People can start at various points from the center. In other words, people can be placed in circles closer or farther from the center based on the first couple of encounters.
- You are in the center of the innermost circle surrounded by those you consider to be your closest confidants, both friends and family.
- There is a magnetic pull that draws people closer to you. This applies to everyone regardless of what circle they are in. The pull affects how close people are to the center and changes based on circumstances like time, place, and quality of friendship
While there are countless other ways to “categorize” your friends, I’ve noticed that people generally visualize their structure in ways similar to those listed above.
As people grow older, time becomes so much more valuable. Thus, who you are willing to invest your time, energy, and attention towards also becomes increasingly important.
Making friends is hard but maintaining, growing, and deepening friendships can be even harder.
In this hyper-digital COVID-19 age, it seems nearly impossible to feel interconnected. With social media sites and the like, it can feel more difficult to distinguish who you can really turn to when it all hits the fan–who you can be vulnerable in front of.
I hope that more than we are active online, that we invest in relationships in real life; that we realize that virtual social interaction does not suffice and that it cannot replace the true gift of active, present, and personal investment.
For now, in order for the safety and wellbeing of the public, long Zoom calls and Facetimes may very well be the best we can do. But in the silence that follows the end of those calls, I encourage you to uncover whether that immediate loneliness you feel is the result of the conditions of our current pandemic or whether you simply just hunger for more.
Time and distance can change and test any relationship, but you don’t need to have the longest friendship to have a deeply meaningful one. You also don’t need to see each other all the time to cultivate presence. I hope that, as we are challenged by the physical restrictions of this time, we press into how we can not only be a better friend but also be bold in sharing with those we love how we need to be cared for.
I want to dedicate this month’s article to my housemates!
It’s kind of funny. That night we were all talking and sharing, we realized that to some degree we had all been hurt by friends before (or those who had posed to be friends). Those kinds of experiences can deeply affect people and play a hand in future relationships, like how friends are categorized. And yet, though we’ve all been hurt, we continually seek friendship.
Some people have to work their way up in other’s eyes. Some work their way down and out of lives. Some even have a “donut” system of keeping track of friends because they are too indecisive and hesitant to make any sort of hierarchy. So much so that they’d much rather associate people in a floating bubble-like structure in their head after they’ve passed some sort of benchmark.
Out of fear of getting hurt, we build cement walls, shoots and ladders, or even a continuum in our earnest yet timid search of our “inner circle”– where you can be fully yourself and not yourself all at the same time.
To SNAC,
Living with you gals was such a blessing and something I’m so broken-hearted to see the end of so soon. I’ve learned so much about friendship and about myself the past 2 years of living together– both the good and the bad, all of which are necessary. I won’t write a full-fledged letter for you here, but I just wanted to say thanks for being great housemates and even greater friends. Some of my favorite college memories, pre-Corona, are with y’all and I feel so lucky to be a part of your lives. Hopefully the timing works out in future where we can live together again, but until then here’s to long video calls and planning future travel plans~
Reflecting on the difficulties and feats of friendships gives me a new understanding of how much God actually loves me.
It’s not hard to love someone when it’s easy, but God shows up even when we show no remorse for disregarding Him. There are no barriers to His love; He is always accessible, maybe not in the way we want but in the way that is best for us.
The way He shows us love is also so much deeper and greater. We receive love that is not easy to give but easy to receive, and we receive it constantly and abundantly. How great is our God.
There is no performance I have to give, no act I need to commit. God never negotiates with me, He just is love.
I am reminded and thankful for Jesus. Cue “Jesus You Are My Best Friend” by Hillsong United. No matter family, friends, nor depth of relationship, people cannot carry the full weight of who you are: your longings, desires, hurt, all of you. There is a capacity to what we can carry along with our own beings. That’s not an insult nor a character flaw; it is plainly our nature. I very well cannot be someone’s savior nor refuge. There is only so much I can do. But how crazy is it that God willingly invites us to freely take comfort in Him. That is so awesome and I hope you experience the satisfaction of that too.
